Thursday, January 29, 2015

A Memory

I was sixteen at a Chinese restaurant with my mentor at a round table. He ate sweet n' sour pork. I don't remember what I had.

"Teenage boys. You know what they think about most of the time?" he asked.


"Boobs and butts."

"I know," I said. Why can't they care about my feelings? This is depressing.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Which Word Would You Like to Be?


The hitting and fussing
The tit-for-tat, I'll get you back for that
"It wasn't me!"
The gimme gimme
Hating to wait


Trusting the Caregiver
Eyes open with wonder
The eagerness to learn
"I'm ready. What's next?"
A peaceful rest in Someone's arms

Thursday, January 15, 2015

My Halo is Bent

I would like to make your life all better. Immediately. I would really like to do that.

Except I can't.

I can't because I'm a human being and, as you've possibly noticed, humans are limited and mostly selfish. Another word to describe that?  Fallen.

I would also like to stop being the apparent cause for one of your sore spots right now. That would be nice because I don't take pleasure in other people's pain. But I think I'd have to stop existing in order for that to happen, and something tells me there's a tiny part of you that wants me to stick around.

Maybe there's also a part of you that wants me to choke on sparkles until I'm blue in the face, seeing as though I'm a little waif who couldn't possibly know real suffering. At least not compared to you.

Um... well... here's what I can do. I can keep on writing to you. I can listen to your stories or woes and rages as well as I know how. I can try to understand. I can keep on doing my art.

I can try to be kind and supportive, but sooner or later I will either disappoint you or offend you. And I've probably offended you plenty of times already. Not because I want to harm you.

Here's what I know about getting offended. There's always choice and perception involved. You choose what you get offended about.

I believe these kinds of exchanges are sacred even if I do annoy you. The climb is steep and daunting, but you've already endured so much and I think your journey is more beautiful than you can presently see. And that's just... okay. It doesn't mean you're any worse than the next person.

It's going to be slow. Learning and healing go hand-in-hand.

I can journey with you the best I know how, if you'll let me.


Monday, January 12, 2015

Step Through Fear

One of the blessings I've been given during my artistic journey is a freedom from worrying about what other people think. That kind of worry started to take its toll on me in high school, continued to be a problem as I got older and began to paralyze me during my depressive season. I felt trapped and didn't have a strong sense of identity.

At that point, the best way I could take care of myself was to step through my fear with creativity in this public space. If I had written and made stuff only in private, transformation by the renewing and healing of my mind wouldn't have happened. I needed other artists and writers. I needed to read their blogs, receive their rebukes and challenges as well as their many encouraging words. The Holy Spirit works in all of that, teaching us to discern, reminding us of the spiritual freedom, forgiveness and love that's always here.

Now it's my turn to offer encouragement and to challenge you. Take a step. Share a small something... and then another and maybe even another. Don't be a quitter.

Be courageous instead.


A Brief Clip

Thursday, January 8, 2015

R and S

I was using my cell phone to record this but it cut off because it's out of space. I need to do something about the storage situation. Here's my video, nonetheless.

Sometimes what happens is a sensitive person will become scared because they don't want to get hurt. I can only speak from my own experience or through my own lens, but it seems to me that sensitivity can get amplified because of old wounds that haven't yet healed. Because of this amplification, the world feels terribly mean and nasty. Constantly accusatory.

I have more to say about this. I can link it to the topic of forgiveness, for example, but I'd like to keep my various posts brief because I know reading gets time-consuming. And, besides, I'm sleepy. Small bits at a time is the best when it comes to being tired.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Again in My Kitchen

I've been trying to get Pompadour. It's a line of expensive kitchen products and it's all the rage right now, apparently. I used to have something like it back before the disasters. I wish I could have it again now but I can't get my hands on it no matter how hard I try.

I have an option. I can settle for Case-to-Case along with Hael. They're quality brands already here in my bottom drawers and in the lower cupboard next to my fridge, the one that won't close properly. Sometimes I get debilitating leg cramps bending down for them but I won't let that stop me because I can sit my butt on the flowered linoleum and reach for them that way. The Hael simply waits for me in the cupboard that won't rightly close, easily accessible. It's not going to save my life or anything but it's a brand I can lean on until I get on my feet, so to speak. And even then it's not going to grow legs of its own and run away.

I get mysterious bruises on my arms and it's tempting to blame the Case-to-Case but I must be missing something. Have I been blacking out? I really really don't want to admit it, but I'm fairly sure that's a problem.

My cheeks feel like they're on fire and my counters are all crummy. I don't know what to do now except wipe them off and continue this difficult navigation through my kitchen. Case-to-Case with Hael can go with me.

art project 51

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2014 in Review

Musical Compositions

3. Tunnel Vision



"Grace falls like rain.  It pours.  Drenches me, soaks my heart—this heart that beats without any help from me.

I was knit in my mother's womb and I don't remember when this heart first began its pumping.  The Rain had been falling long before."

2. There's Love in Truthfulness
"Pocketing the money involves lying to himself and not taking responsibility.  'I don't need to give this back because she's the one who made the mistake.  She should just learn how to do her job properly.  I'm not really stealing."  This is to blame the other person instead of looking at himself to see what he can do for the sake of another human being.

If reflecting love and grace and forgiveness is important to him, he will be truthful and give the money back.

I see honesty, then, as a way of loving oneself as well as loving others.  It involves keeping a clear conscience but also shows great care and respect for other people."

"Sometimes, at an intellectual level, we can know about this highest love of Christ yet still not feel peace.  Maybe all that means is there are some damaging thought patterns going on within ourselves that need to be dismantled, or a wound that needs healing, or it could be we have some insecurities that are hindering us from receiving all Christ offers.

You have a voice and it matters, so don't be afraid to let it out.  Christ can bring it into harmony with his own.  Don't ask me how that works.  I just believe it.

Love is always here."