Friday, December 23, 2011

dreams of belonging

flickr Creative Commons: Jakub Vacek
When does genuine, faithful community become possible?  I've tried for a long time to find significant relationships in which I feel comfortable and secure, having important commonalities, working towards similar aspirations.  If it's this connection that I so strongly desire, maybe the possibility of such a group starts with me rather than with trying to step into, or splinter off, something that's already established. 

Off-line and in the real world, my default setting is to believe that people don't really care what I think.  Therefore, they usually have to work vigorously or else be very specific, gentle types of communicators in order for me to open myself to them.  And also let's skip the small talk, thankyouverymuch.  I'm sure it has its purposes, and if you like that sort of chit chat then by all means jabber on, but I'm usually much more interested in your hurts and passions or the meaning of the universe.

I would like to say that my marriage has the intimacy I want, but it doesn't.  Our relationship has many positive aspects, but despite my efforts we never seem to get to that point of pouring our hearts out to each other.  You know what, though?  I think that's okay.  A marriage doesn't need to have everything in order to be a beneficial relationship.  In the meantime, however, I starve for creative intimacy, for the chance to be known by another.  It's why I come here.

What if I believed that people wanted to know all of me, even the ugly parts?  I'd probably talk a lot more.  And maybe my speaking would ease others into sharing some of their hidden parts, too.  Maybe in this way a small and intimate community could slowly grow around me, whether inside a church building or not.

My hunger for intimacy keeps me searching, so in a roundabout way perhaps it's my relational struggling that keeps me on, or near, the true path.  What if all this heartache leads me to the invisible, innovative Romancer?  I'm looking and waiting.  And while I wait, maybe I'll try my hand at writing another story.

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